Last night I
was at Greenwich Bar with the boys and after a few rounds of JD, alcohol-goggles
and loose tongues soon took over the discussion and a funny topic came up.
Ejiro noted that he was getting broke (he is in between jobs at the moment) and
would soon be needing a sugar mama to fund his almost ‘expensive’ lifestyle.
Not one to
lag behind in these alcohol-fuelled conversations, Chike jokingly suggested that
Senator Ita Giwa could be a possible prospect; according to him she had
recently married off her only daughter and being single, would probably be
looking for some company in that large mansion of hers. We all laughed it off…as if her daughter’s presence had ever
stopped her before.
But
afterwards I began to think, why couldn’t Ejiro have a sugar-mama if he wanted
to? After all, it is not just women that are allowed to have sugar daddies. One
wealthy cougar doesn’t make you a gigolo.
These relationships are one of convenience; where both parties’ trade benefits,
an exchange of youthfulness and vigour for some of the finer things in life a
wealthy woman can offer.
Being
formerly in the luxury banking sector, I am privy to some of the social habits of
the Sophisticated Susans (Ms.) as we
classified them then (do not read much into this though). So I have decidedly
put together a few pointers for the down-on-luck young guys on how to get a sugar-mama in Lagos.
Caveat Emptor: This is neither a sure-fire procedure
nor a dating manual; I can only show you the way, the rest will depend on your suavity
and maturity. ‘Swag-mongers’ be warned. (no offence to Ice Prince).
I will also
point out here that this is meant for dudes who aren’t currently in a serious
relationship. They should also make sure that their potential sugar mamas are either
single or divorced…or do not have hefty sons twice their size.
Are you Eligible?
It’s necessary
to know from the start whether you qualify for the position. You cannot be as
old as your potential sugar mama otherwise you will simply fail. Remember you
are offering youthful vigour, of what use is that if you need a heart pacemaker
to climb the stairs or Viagra to perform? If this is the case, forget it or you
should be getting a sugar daughter instead. It’s simple, once you start nudging
forty you can hardly be described as a cougar-cub.
Watch out too for the max age difference of 10 – 15 years, although that is
relative.
Stake out their Locations
As it is in
business, it is important to know your target. What do they do? Where do they
go? Most potential sugar-mamas in Lagos will likely live on the Island (matter-of-factly)
and unless you are able to afford it, I wouldn’t advise a total relocation. However,
you will need to spend money to make
money.
These wealthy
cougars are enlightened, some are fitness freaks; they like to feel young and
may often be seen jogging on Saturday mornings in their plush Lekki estates or along
the new Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge. A jogging schedule perfectly timed to coincide
with theirs may be helpful, however if they are jogging with bodyguards use
caution or forfeit entirely so that you may live to woo another day. Also, if
you live as far as Okokomaiko or Iyana-Ipaja, please don’t bother coming to the
Island just to jog, it’s not worth the trouble, sorry.
Other
locations include swanky resorts (like Ikoyi Club), exclusive dinner parties and fund
raising events. Sometimes event organizers may be your best friends.
Be Informed, Be Smart
Your
potential sugar mama is not only wealthy, but probably well-educated and very enlightened
so you need to be on top of your head game; not that head game but we’ll get to that though. You should be smart and up
to date on current affairs. While your female counterparts may luckily not need
this (after all being openly too
smart scares away sugar-daddies), on the other hand some mental stimulation
turns on a sugar-mama and keeps the seduction going.
You don’t necessarily
have to know the capital of Tahiti (which is Papeete by the way), but a general
knowledge of its location will do you good. Who knows, a fully funded vacation
there may be in the horizon for you…can I get an ‘amen’ to that? Know your exotic wines
and various exclusive fleshpots of Lagos; chances are she will be ahead in that
department though.
It is also a
cardinal rule not to ever discuss her wealth unless you are her financial
advisor, as this is what sets you apart from a gold-digger or gigolo.
Be Suave, Be Stylish
Like I said
previously, this game is not for ‘swag-mongers’. An ideal cougar is a
sophisticated, sexy older woman who
generally prefers the company of a younger man (gold-diggers and gigolos will
just go for any older woman with
money) so you see why low sagging jeans and snapbacks are just a no-no. She
will be attracted to a classy gentleman not a boy who probably reminds her of
her teenage son. Be fit. Get a clean haircut, style your apparels accordingly. Think
styles of Banky W, Lynxx...and sometimes Alex Ekubo; these guys are cougar baits.
Honour your Contract
This is an
unwritten agreement between you two; the cougar-contract. Your sugar-mama
relationship is not like diamonds; it is not forever. Surely you are
not thinking of having her wee babies or getting chummy with her children (gold-digger!)?
In any case, if she doesn’t expect you to see anyone on the side during this
period, then by all means RESPECT her wish!
Be a Sexual Dynamo
This is the
part that determines the success and tenor of your relationship. It is your
duty and service to satisfy and do more than satisfy. Now that you have her,
you will generally want to keep the relationship strong. A good hiding or a thoroughly satisfied
sugar-mama will guarantee that all your bills (rent, energy, maintenance and the
like) are paid. Some really good guys are capable of getting out expensive rides
and swanky apartments from the deal.
Be
adventurous, be spontaneous. Whether it means cramming all…*ahem* 69 volumes of
Vats Yana’s Kama Sutra or sipping some Alomo Bitters on the side to increase
stamina, it is up to you. However one thing is sure, she is a sugar-mama and
she is rich, so she will usually want to take control. Let her, after all this
is why she is a cougar; she wants to be in charge. What you will be bringing to
the table bed is your vigour and willingness to try out new things, though I
will advise to watch her age and not over-do; you do not want to give her a
heart attack. It is bad for business.
Dangers to Avoid
As it is with
all these games, you have to look out for the potential dangers in the
relationship:
- Never, ever fall in love: It is the first rule everywhere.
- Do not sell
your soul
to the devil: she may be in charge but you are still the man, don’t become soft and yellow.
- Be wise, avoid creating antagonizing situations; Is she very powerful? Is she dangerous? Can she summon powers that be to make life worse than hell for you? Hell hath no fury than…
- Avoid amassing benefits for the short term, that’s a gigolo’s move: cars and apartments can be repossessed but valuable network connections and business partnerships will certainly last.
- Finally, enter into the relationship with your eyes and ears open so that you know when to get out: After all it is only a means to an end. And when that end comes, do it with panache.
Good luck.
photo courtesy: Suits
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