The Importance of Speaking Earnestly

It may sound something like Oscar Wilde’s 1895 hit play, but this one turned out more disastrous than comical. Worse, priests and adultery were involved. The venue was my church, a roman-type state-of-the-art piece of architecture complete with stuccoes, tall arches and stained glass windows with sculptures of little angels erected across its several corners; very heavenly and spiritual looking. However, on that fateful day heavenly and spiritual-looking couldn’t describe the atmosphere within.

Saints Philip and Bartholomew’s Catholic Church (S.S. Philip & Bartholomew) located along Lekki-Epe Expressway is home of prayer and spiritual worship to the wealthy aristocratic and Upper Middle-Class kinds living in the high-brow area of Lekki; a former Lagos State Governor and a one-time Minister of Aviation still worship there today. Hence it is not uncommon for these people to coin certain paraphrases in order to speak indirectly about something they didn’t want to say outrightly.  Some examples are ‘join the bandwagon’, that is to ‘give in to political/office pressure’, common among politicians or ‘fall at the steps of the church’ which means ‘to fall to the temptation of adultery’ and so on.

As an unspoken rule, these terms are never really explained but somehow, during confession times when the local priest hears them he understands and gives the confessor penance accordingly. So what If a new cleric comes to the parish, how does he figure it out? No way, it just had never happened. Well, that was until two weeks ago….

Two weeks ago, the regular parish priest Fr. Adekunle was posted to another parish at Kaduna. This might seem unfortunate but Kaduna wasn’t that bad. I mean not counting the violent groups; the city did have its own fair share of wealthy ex-dignitaries. But that is not the point of this story anyway...

So enter Fr. Peter O’ Reilly as the new parish priest. Irish by birth and Irish by personality and we all know how blunt the Irish can be (especially after a few mugs of stout or whiskey…)

In the first two days alone, Fr. O’ Reilly, during confession had received two cases of ‘joining the band wagon’ and ten cases of ‘falling at the steps of the church’. Confused, he didn’t understand the first case and couldn’t do anything about it. However he ordered labourers to rework the outline of the front of the church steps and make sure they conformed to standard.

The next day and the day after that, three more people; a University Vice-Chancellor and two banks MD’s (females) ‘fell at the steps of the church’ again. This was puzzling. He re-called the surprised labourers and rebuked them for their shoddy work. They had to do the steps’ construction again thoroughly, under the Irish cleric’s stern supervision. So you can imagine how outraged the priest became, when  days later, a currently serving diplomat, two House of Reps members and one popular doctor ‘fell at the steps of the church’ yet again!

Having had enough of the reports and what he believed were complaints during confession, the next day being Sunday the priest stood up during the announcements and decided to ask the congregation for their advice. It went something like this:

"I beg your pardon my dear brothers and sisters, could any of you here use your influence to provide the church with professional help in rebuilding the church steps? Over the past week I have had to do it twice because of the series of complaints I have received, unfortunately the workers I called are very inadequate.

Only yesterday our very honourable senators Okon, Igiebo and Dr. Olushola Alade complained to me that they fell at the steps of the church. Mind you these are separate from the previous incidents when Mrs Funke Philips and VC. Lawal complained to me of the same thing. My biggest apologies for their inconvenience and if any of you has useful links to credible engineers, they would be more than welcome. In the meantime, I dare say to everybody to mind those steps. Thank you".

At first the church became silent. Very silent.

Then a whole lot of people began to shift uncomfortably in their seats, especially those in the front row. There was a slight raucous.

 At the end of mass, nobody did the usual after-mass greetings. They just quietly entered their various SUV’s and drove away.

That was last Sunday. Today I noticed the usually coveted front row seats directly in front of the altar were empty as some important individuals were absent. I sat down where the former Minister for Aviation used to seat with her escorts and listened to the Irish man’s sermon. Ironically, the topic was about truth, honesty and the importance of speaking earnestly. If only people would come out plainly and speak directly, a lot of things would be much easier today.

At the back of my mind, I found myself wondering if those steps would ever trip me someday…

                                                    

ON A LIGHTER NOTE

There was once a small quiet countryside in West Yorkshire where people stayed good. Men paid their taxes, women obeyed their husbands and children did their chores willingly. All said, everybody was good so the local parish remained calm and hadn’t any little activity at all.

Until a young Farmer’s help came by…

In the first week a milk maid came to the parish for confession:

Rev, Fr.: Whatsa matter miss?

Milkmaid: I have a confession Father.

Rev Fr.: Okay, put a coin in that basket and say your confession.

Milkmaid: It’s the Farmer’s help; he made me do bad things, very bad things…

 A few minutes later the Milk maid left having said her penance.

The following week, a barmaid came along with the same confession about the Farmer’s help. She too put her coin in the basket and did her penance. Then other weeks followed with a nannies, a nurse and even the school teacher all making the same complaints about the Farmer’s help. By now the priest’s basket was chinking full of coins. Then one sunny Sunday afternoon after service, the Farmer’s help stopped by:

Rev Fr.: I suppose you are here to make the utmost confession about your very bad ways?

Farmer’s help: Not exactly Father, the boy replies cockily. Just give me my own share or I’ll take my business to another parish!